his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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