just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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