I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
