wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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