Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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