just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
