Im at strip club and am horny
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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