best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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