what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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