GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
