i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
