But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
