I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Did I show you my penis last night?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Randomize
