Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
