Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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