My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
