I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
