Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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