Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
