call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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