I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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