I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
