dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
