What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
