I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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