How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize
