I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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