Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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