You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
