happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
