Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
