My room smells like vodka and shame
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
