I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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