matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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