It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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