There was a lot of him and a little penis
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
