i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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