Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
