Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
So apparently I’m into choking now
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