In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
