Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
