cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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