just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
