My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
