HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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