Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
