Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
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