this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
