I threw up into my coffee this morning.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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