woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
