I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
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