i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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