Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
