he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You are a genius and a whore.
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