Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
