I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
