The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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